The Ham and Bacon Conspiracy

The World Cancer Research Fund in conjunction with the American Institute of Cancer Research has reported that processed meat, particularly ham and bacon, causes Cancer. Jews and Muslims have of course known this for centuries, with Muhammed stumbling across an inter-departmental memo from the Elders of Zion in the year 628. Resisting the temptation to keep the information to themselves, the Elders of Zion in conjunction with the Mullahs of Qom (See below) decided to publish the the health warning in their respective journals, namely the Torah and Quran.
'Can we help it if the non-Jewish world doesn't want to follow our example?', said Dr. Shlomo Cohen, the Elders' Chief Medical Officer. 'Over one-fifth of the world refuses to eat pig, surely the rest should have worked out that something was up?'
Although the number of conversions to either Judaism or Islam is expected to remain low, the Hindu religion however, is expecting a greater rate of conversion to vegetarianism. Pigs the world over, on the other hand, are drawing a collective sigh of relief.

The Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom

On Al-Jazeera TV on January 30, 2007, Syrian-born historian, Mahmoud Al-Sayyed Al-Dugheim, revealed that Iran has established a global Shiite Government, operating in accordance with the Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom, to annihilate the Sunnis.

Al-Dughein quotes from a secret communique:

At the command and with the guidance of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Guide of the Islamic Revolution in Iran, and under the title 'The Shi'a of Ali Are Victorious', the extended conference of the world's Shiites was held in the holy city of Qom. It was attended by the leaders of all Shiite parties and religious authorities. The conference decided that a global organization must be established to annihilate the people who are left, to examine and analyze the current regional situation, to build a military force, to infiltrate governmental institutions through the women's organizations everywhere, and then to infiltrate intelligence agencies, and to finish off the Sunni leaders, even by assassination." This is the plan of the Hashashin, which still exists. There is a fatwa by their imams and religious authorities, which permits the trading and planting of hashish, in order to profit and to cover up their crimes.

I reckon these guys are in breach of copyright. We own the title to the conspiratorial term “Protocols”! Why don’t they call them the Mutterings of the Mullahs of Qom, which rhymes better, or the Serious Suggestions of the Mullahs of Qom? Maybe even, the Musings of the Mad Mullahs of Qom? Honestly! I will be talking to our legal department about this matter.

Harry Potter and the Zionist Conspiracy

In another brilliant example of investigative journalism, the Iranian newspaper, Kayhan, affiliated with the nation's top religious authority, discovered this week that the Harry Potter series of children's books is really a Zionist plot. The article referred to Harry Potter as a “billion-dollar Zionist project", the purpose of which was to “disrupt young minds”.
This discovery represents yet another setback for our conspiratorial efforts. Despite suggestions that J.K. Rowling (the "J" obviously standing for "Jew") being advised to avoid such titles as "Harry Potter and the Matzah Ball Soup", or "Harry Potter and the Wholesale Discount", the Iranians have once again seen through the subtext of Harry's magical world. Clearly the bearded men in long black robes are metaphors for ultra-orthodox Jews, and the secret books of magical incantations represent the Talmud and Kabbalah. Even the spells muttered by our heroes in defense against the dark arts are really transliterated Hebrew prayers which call for the advancement of the Jews over that of the "muggle" (AKA non-Jewish) world.
Consider the Wizard world - a secret dimension that exists both within and parallel to our own - why this is clearly analogous to the workings of the Elders of Zion whose hands can slip on and off the controls of power without the average "muggle" ever knowing about us. I can only hope they never discover what "Desperate Housewives" was really all about.

Frank Weltner wins Elder of the Year Award

Congratulations go to our colleague, Rabbi Frank Weltner of “www.jewwatch.com” for winning the 2007 Elder of the Year Award. As most of you know, Rabbi Weltner has been our archivist for the past twenty-five years. Accepting the award at our meeting at 221b Baker Street in London last night, Rabbi Weltner explained the source of his successful strategy.
‘The best way to hide something is in plain sight”, he said. “That’s why I have published all of the Elders’ secret archives on JewWatch.com”.
Cleverly disguising himself as a delusional lunatic, Rabbi Weltner has been able to fool the world into dismissing the content of his website as nothing more than a collection of baseless, anti-Semitic conspiracies. Stroking his long grey beard and strumming his tsitsit, he catalogues the various “Jewish Mind Control Mechanisms” that we have developed over the decades, from Communism through to Homosexuality, Feminism and Liberalism, as well as the nefarious, Jewish-formulated religions such as Christianity, Atheism and Magic/Wiccan Cults.
Rabbi Weltner is clearly an inspiration to us all, and it is a privilege to have such an astute and balanced intellect amongst our ranks. Mazeltov!

Radical Green groups infiltrate Israeli Army

Members of the Committee are seriously concerned after evidence of radical Green groups and evironmentalists infiltrating the ranks of the Israeli Defence Forces. The Haaretz newspaper reported on the 09/07/07 that the IDF's 202 Paratroop Brigade raided premises in Hebron to free two endangered Golden Eagles that had been stolen from a national park. Clearly there is more than one secret society operating here and an investigation should be launched immediately.

Patenting Anti-Semitism

We have just developed the greatest intellectual property idea of the Twenty-First Century. We have decided to copyright all forms of terminology which blames Israel or the Jews. That way we will earn a dollar worth of royalties every time the statement, "It’s all Israel’s fault”, or the like appears in print or electronic format.

Variations would of course be covered, and include: “It’s all the Jews’ fault”, “It’s a Jewish conspiracy”, “It’s a Zionist conspiracy”, as well as any superlatives such as, “It’s all the dirty Jews’ fault”, “It’s all the greedy Jews’ fault”, etc., etc. Our Research Department is currently compiling a database with thousands of variations in all the major languages, including English, Spanish, Russian, German and Arabic. French, of course, appears to be taking the longest to compile.

I can’t wait to watch the money rolling in.

New Headquarters Needed

After destroying our own headquarters on September 11th, 2001, the Elders of Zion are now in need of a new, permanent office space. Paul was going to offer us his ensuit bathroom at the IMF, but now that he has resigned, it rules out that option. Jerri suggested the Baxter Building at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue in New York city, but I reminded him that it was the Head Quarters of the Fantastic Four, and two fictional organisations could not share the same office space. Of course Adam suggested the Bada Bing strip club, but once again this could generate a possible conflict with the Sopranos. After dismissing the idea of Wayne Mansion and the Fortress of Solitude, we finally settled on a new location.

I am happy to report that Wednesday night's meetings will now be held at 19:00hrs at 221b Baker Street, London, England. I must remember to tell Jerri that it's his turn to bring the soup.

How Israel covers for global human rights abuses

I have just had an encouraging conference call with General Than Shwe of Myanmar (formerly Burma), President Hu Jintao of China, Uzbekistan's Dilorom Tashmuhammedova, as well as a host of other nations often mentioned in articles by that pesky bourgeois group, Amnesty International. They all wished me to convey their heartfelt thanks to the State of Israel for keeping the media and international community's attention away from them. They all feel secure in the knowledge that they can torture, rape and massacre as many of their citizens as they like, knowing full-well that nobody will question these actions as long as it isn't allegedly done by an Israeli or a Jew. Some of them have even implemented code names for their agents such as Mendel Cohen, Solly Rabinowitz and Chaim Goldsmith, should the you-know-what ever hit the you-know-where. This would give them some sort of plausible deniability and prove once again the extent of the Zionist conspiracy, if the media did indeed look beyond the River Jordan. I reminded them that without Israel, the world would surely get bored and come looking for new attrocities to focus on, to which they assured me of their ongoing support for the existence of the State of Israel.

Radioactive Belt Buckles and Rotary Clubs

Dear Diary

One of my colleagues contacted me about a rumor going around the Occupied Territories that the Zionists had flooded the markets with radioactive belt-buckles in order to make Palestinian men sterile, and therefore unable to breed.
He asked me if it was true.
I said that I didn’t think so, but that I thought it was a good idea.
Of course, like those clever Iranian journalists, Hamas has been able to expose our evil plans at almost every turn. Articles 22 and 28 of their Charter even explains:

For a long time, the enemies have been planning, skillfully and with precision, for the achievement of what they have attained. They took into consideration the causes affecting the current of events. They strived to amass great and substantive material wealth which they devoted to the realisation of their dream. With their money, they took control of the world media, news agencies, the press, publishing houses, broadcasting stations, and others. With their money they stirred revolutions in various parts of the world with the purpose of achieving their interests and reaping the fruit therein. They were behind the French Revolution, the Communist revolution and most of the revolutions we heard and hear about, here and there. With their money they formed secret societies, such as Freemasons, Rotary Clubs, the Lions and others in different parts of the world for the purpose of sabotaging societies and achieving Zionist interests. With their money they were able to control imperialistic countries and instigate them to colonize many countries in order to enable them to exploit their resources and spread corruption there.

Boy! Now I’m going to have to split my commission with the Rotary and Lions Clubs. It’s getting so that a conspirator can’t make an honest living anymore.

We will have to be careful though. Article 7 of their Charter say’s:

The Islamic Resistance Movement aspires to the realisation of Allah's promise, no matter how long that should take. The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him salvation, has said:

"The Day of Judgement will not come about until Moslems fight the Jews and kill them; when the Jew will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Moslems, O Abdulla, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him. Only the Gharkad tree, would not do that because it is one of the trees of the Jews." (related by al-Bukhari and Moslem).

Hmmm? I wonder where I can buy a Gharkad tree?

How Pirates almost caught us out.

Those sharp journalists from Iranian national television almost caught us out on this one. We're going to have to be far more careful in future.

Guinea Bissau and the Great Boysenberry Conspiracy

Dear Diary

Boy, am I tired. Ruling the world is not as easy one would think it is, and the pay really sucks. I am still awaiting my commission for the whole Asian Tsunami thing from back in December 2005, not to mention Hurricane Katrina. You would think I would get more respect. Stephen and the other elders tell me I need to be patient.
'We've been seeking global domination for centuries', they say. 'What's a few months more?'
I tell you, if I never liked his movies so much I would have told him where to get off. But everytime I became irritated with him I just kept thinking of ET...although Goonies was a little bit dissapointing.
Anyway, I have been moved from the natural disaster division to international politics. George say's its a promotion, but I'm not so sure. I was very proud of the work I was doing and saw a lot of potential in climate change. They've started me out on maintaining the control of our political and economic investments in Guinea Bissau. They will never suspect the role we are playing in the price fixing of their Boysen Berry crop and Macaroon exporting duopoly. Who would suspect that Boysenberry icecream and macaroons will be five cents more expensive next year because of us. Gee, I can just picture the money rolling in.
Anyway, it's been great sharing with you diary. It really helps me focus on our international Zionist conspiracy when I know that I have someone I can confide in.
Till next time.
Shalom.