New Headquarters Needed

After destroying our own headquarters on September 11th, 2001, the Elders of Zion are now in need of a new, permanent office space. Paul was going to offer us his ensuit bathroom at the IMF, but now that he has resigned, it rules out that option. Jerri suggested the Baxter Building at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue in New York city, but I reminded him that it was the Head Quarters of the Fantastic Four, and two fictional organisations could not share the same office space. Of course Adam suggested the Bada Bing strip club, but once again this could generate a possible conflict with the Sopranos. After dismissing the idea of Wayne Mansion and the Fortress of Solitude, we finally settled on a new location.

I am happy to report that Wednesday night's meetings will now be held at 19:00hrs at 221b Baker Street, London, England. I must remember to tell Jerri that it's his turn to bring the soup.

How Israel covers for global human rights abuses

I have just had an encouraging conference call with General Than Shwe of Myanmar (formerly Burma), President Hu Jintao of China, Uzbekistan's Dilorom Tashmuhammedova, as well as a host of other nations often mentioned in articles by that pesky bourgeois group, Amnesty International. They all wished me to convey their heartfelt thanks to the State of Israel for keeping the media and international community's attention away from them. They all feel secure in the knowledge that they can torture, rape and massacre as many of their citizens as they like, knowing full-well that nobody will question these actions as long as it isn't allegedly done by an Israeli or a Jew. Some of them have even implemented code names for their agents such as Mendel Cohen, Solly Rabinowitz and Chaim Goldsmith, should the you-know-what ever hit the you-know-where. This would give them some sort of plausible deniability and prove once again the extent of the Zionist conspiracy, if the media did indeed look beyond the River Jordan. I reminded them that without Israel, the world would surely get bored and come looking for new attrocities to focus on, to which they assured me of their ongoing support for the existence of the State of Israel.

Radioactive Belt Buckles and Rotary Clubs

Dear Diary

One of my colleagues contacted me about a rumor going around the Occupied Territories that the Zionists had flooded the markets with radioactive belt-buckles in order to make Palestinian men sterile, and therefore unable to breed.
He asked me if it was true.
I said that I didn’t think so, but that I thought it was a good idea.
Of course, like those clever Iranian journalists, Hamas has been able to expose our evil plans at almost every turn. Articles 22 and 28 of their Charter even explains:

For a long time, the enemies have been planning, skillfully and with precision, for the achievement of what they have attained. They took into consideration the causes affecting the current of events. They strived to amass great and substantive material wealth which they devoted to the realisation of their dream. With their money, they took control of the world media, news agencies, the press, publishing houses, broadcasting stations, and others. With their money they stirred revolutions in various parts of the world with the purpose of achieving their interests and reaping the fruit therein. They were behind the French Revolution, the Communist revolution and most of the revolutions we heard and hear about, here and there. With their money they formed secret societies, such as Freemasons, Rotary Clubs, the Lions and others in different parts of the world for the purpose of sabotaging societies and achieving Zionist interests. With their money they were able to control imperialistic countries and instigate them to colonize many countries in order to enable them to exploit their resources and spread corruption there.

Boy! Now I’m going to have to split my commission with the Rotary and Lions Clubs. It’s getting so that a conspirator can’t make an honest living anymore.

We will have to be careful though. Article 7 of their Charter say’s:

The Islamic Resistance Movement aspires to the realisation of Allah's promise, no matter how long that should take. The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him salvation, has said:

"The Day of Judgement will not come about until Moslems fight the Jews and kill them; when the Jew will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Moslems, O Abdulla, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him. Only the Gharkad tree, would not do that because it is one of the trees of the Jews." (related by al-Bukhari and Moslem).

Hmmm? I wonder where I can buy a Gharkad tree?

How Pirates almost caught us out.

Those sharp journalists from Iranian national television almost caught us out on this one. We're going to have to be far more careful in future.

Guinea Bissau and the Great Boysenberry Conspiracy

Dear Diary

Boy, am I tired. Ruling the world is not as easy one would think it is, and the pay really sucks. I am still awaiting my commission for the whole Asian Tsunami thing from back in December 2005, not to mention Hurricane Katrina. You would think I would get more respect. Stephen and the other elders tell me I need to be patient.
'We've been seeking global domination for centuries', they say. 'What's a few months more?'
I tell you, if I never liked his movies so much I would have told him where to get off. But everytime I became irritated with him I just kept thinking of ET...although Goonies was a little bit dissapointing.
Anyway, I have been moved from the natural disaster division to international politics. George say's its a promotion, but I'm not so sure. I was very proud of the work I was doing and saw a lot of potential in climate change. They've started me out on maintaining the control of our political and economic investments in Guinea Bissau. They will never suspect the role we are playing in the price fixing of their Boysen Berry crop and Macaroon exporting duopoly. Who would suspect that Boysenberry icecream and macaroons will be five cents more expensive next year because of us. Gee, I can just picture the money rolling in.
Anyway, it's been great sharing with you diary. It really helps me focus on our international Zionist conspiracy when I know that I have someone I can confide in.
Till next time.
Shalom.