Harry Potter and the Zionist Conspiracy

In another brilliant example of investigative journalism, the Iranian newspaper, Kayhan, affiliated with the nation's top religious authority, discovered this week that the Harry Potter series of children's books is really a Zionist plot. The article referred to Harry Potter as a “billion-dollar Zionist project", the purpose of which was to “disrupt young minds”.
This discovery represents yet another setback for our conspiratorial efforts. Despite suggestions that J.K. Rowling (the "J" obviously standing for "Jew") being advised to avoid such titles as "Harry Potter and the Matzah Ball Soup", or "Harry Potter and the Wholesale Discount", the Iranians have once again seen through the subtext of Harry's magical world. Clearly the bearded men in long black robes are metaphors for ultra-orthodox Jews, and the secret books of magical incantations represent the Talmud and Kabbalah. Even the spells muttered by our heroes in defense against the dark arts are really transliterated Hebrew prayers which call for the advancement of the Jews over that of the "muggle" (AKA non-Jewish) world.
Consider the Wizard world - a secret dimension that exists both within and parallel to our own - why this is clearly analogous to the workings of the Elders of Zion whose hands can slip on and off the controls of power without the average "muggle" ever knowing about us. I can only hope they never discover what "Desperate Housewives" was really all about.

Frank Weltner wins Elder of the Year Award

Congratulations go to our colleague, Rabbi Frank Weltner of “www.jewwatch.com” for winning the 2007 Elder of the Year Award. As most of you know, Rabbi Weltner has been our archivist for the past twenty-five years. Accepting the award at our meeting at 221b Baker Street in London last night, Rabbi Weltner explained the source of his successful strategy.
‘The best way to hide something is in plain sight”, he said. “That’s why I have published all of the Elders’ secret archives on JewWatch.com”.
Cleverly disguising himself as a delusional lunatic, Rabbi Weltner has been able to fool the world into dismissing the content of his website as nothing more than a collection of baseless, anti-Semitic conspiracies. Stroking his long grey beard and strumming his tsitsit, he catalogues the various “Jewish Mind Control Mechanisms” that we have developed over the decades, from Communism through to Homosexuality, Feminism and Liberalism, as well as the nefarious, Jewish-formulated religions such as Christianity, Atheism and Magic/Wiccan Cults.
Rabbi Weltner is clearly an inspiration to us all, and it is a privilege to have such an astute and balanced intellect amongst our ranks. Mazeltov!

Radical Green groups infiltrate Israeli Army

Members of the Committee are seriously concerned after evidence of radical Green groups and evironmentalists infiltrating the ranks of the Israeli Defence Forces. The Haaretz newspaper reported on the 09/07/07 that the IDF's 202 Paratroop Brigade raided premises in Hebron to free two endangered Golden Eagles that had been stolen from a national park. Clearly there is more than one secret society operating here and an investigation should be launched immediately.