Super Rats bred to target Arabs

The Palestinian newspapers, Al-Ayyam (17/07/2008) and Al-Hayat Al-Jadida (18/07/2008), have uncovered another Israeli conspiracy to breed genetically enhanced species of super rats designed to torment Palestinians and drive them out of the Old City of Jerusalem. Al-Hayat Al-Jadida, claims:

"all efforts to counter this infestation have failed, especially since cats run away from these rats because of their size and ferocity... All of the conventional efforts to kill them have not succeeded, because they seem to be immune to poison and they breed in the sewers. It is known that this female rat gives birth seven times a year, each time giving birth to 20 babies; which compels Jerusalem's [Arabs] today to face the dangers of settlement and the infestation of rats."

The selective targeting of these rats was further exposed by Al-Ayyam who reveal how, "Large numbers of settlers have been bringing huge cages full of rats and releasing them onto the streets and alleys of the Old City in order to turn the residents' life into a living hell, forcing then to leave."

Israeli scientists have been unwilling to share their secrets on how they have bred this species of rat which are larger, more aggressive, more fertile, immune to poison, and unafraid of cats. What's more intriguing is their ability to train these animals to selectively target Jerusalem's Arab population and ignore its Jewish one.

Similar plots were of course exposed in the 1930's, with obsesive, German zoologists writing a series of papers on phenomena such as, "The Elephant and the Jewish Problem", or "Nocturnal birdlife and the challenge of Jewish ornothological control". 'The truth will out' they say, and indeed it has.

United Nations: Israel responsible for China/Burmese Crises

Our agent, Newton Hoffer, at the United Nations and Aish.com has reported back to us regarding the UN's motion relating to Israel's responsibility for the environmental catastrophes that have devistated China and Burma in recent weeks.
Allegations of Weather Manipulation involving cyclones, earthquakes and time-travel are taken very seriously at the UN, especially when they are directed against Israel.
At his own press conference shortly following, the Israeli Ambassador (who once again was not informed of any UN meeting) took exception to charges of environmental war crimes. "If the UN adopts this resolution, which by the way has absolutely nothing to do with China or Burma, every Israeli who carries an umbrella will now be viewed as an 'Obstacle to Peace'. I submit that anything Israel does on any given day, can now be defined as a 'provocation'." At that moment, the Libyan Ambassador quickly rose to second the motion, before realizing that he was at a press conference and not a formal vote.
In Washington, US President George W. Bush reaffirmed America's commitment to stand alongside Israel and veto the anti-Israel resolution. He also offered to table his own resolution where the word Junta would be spelled with an 'H' instead of a 'J' "so you don't sound like an idiot mispronouncing it until someone finally corrects you".
The UN is now seriously considering this motion as well.

New webmaster to dupe the gentiles

Congratulations to Rabbi James Stenzel for being appointed to the position of webmaster of www.jewwatch.com, one of our principal weapons of propaganda and psychological warfare on the Internet (See article from July 23, 2007). Rabbi Stenzel of course takes over from the very able Rabbi Frank Weltner who has resigned from his position to return to his wife, Devorah, and Children, Yankel and Mosheh, in the ultra-Orthodox community of Meir Shearim in Jerusalem. We wish Rabbi Weltner Mazel Tov, thank him for his contribution, and look forward to his continued support for the Zionist cause, albeit in a different capacity. Rabbi Stenzel of course has very large pants to fill, and we wish him everything he deserves for the upcoming challenge.

The Ham and Bacon Conspiracy

The World Cancer Research Fund in conjunction with the American Institute of Cancer Research has reported that processed meat, particularly ham and bacon, causes Cancer. Jews and Muslims have of course known this for centuries, with Muhammed stumbling across an inter-departmental memo from the Elders of Zion in the year 628. Resisting the temptation to keep the information to themselves, the Elders of Zion in conjunction with the Mullahs of Qom (See below) decided to publish the the health warning in their respective journals, namely the Torah and Quran.
'Can we help it if the non-Jewish world doesn't want to follow our example?', said Dr. Shlomo Cohen, the Elders' Chief Medical Officer. 'Over one-fifth of the world refuses to eat pig, surely the rest should have worked out that something was up?'
Although the number of conversions to either Judaism or Islam is expected to remain low, the Hindu religion however, is expecting a greater rate of conversion to vegetarianism. Pigs the world over, on the other hand, are drawing a collective sigh of relief.

The Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom

On Al-Jazeera TV on January 30, 2007, Syrian-born historian, Mahmoud Al-Sayyed Al-Dugheim, revealed that Iran has established a global Shiite Government, operating in accordance with the Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom, to annihilate the Sunnis.

Al-Dughein quotes from a secret communique:

At the command and with the guidance of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Guide of the Islamic Revolution in Iran, and under the title 'The Shi'a of Ali Are Victorious', the extended conference of the world's Shiites was held in the holy city of Qom. It was attended by the leaders of all Shiite parties and religious authorities. The conference decided that a global organization must be established to annihilate the people who are left, to examine and analyze the current regional situation, to build a military force, to infiltrate governmental institutions through the women's organizations everywhere, and then to infiltrate intelligence agencies, and to finish off the Sunni leaders, even by assassination." This is the plan of the Hashashin, which still exists. There is a fatwa by their imams and religious authorities, which permits the trading and planting of hashish, in order to profit and to cover up their crimes.

I reckon these guys are in breach of copyright. We own the title to the conspiratorial term “Protocols”! Why don’t they call them the Mutterings of the Mullahs of Qom, which rhymes better, or the Serious Suggestions of the Mullahs of Qom? Maybe even, the Musings of the Mad Mullahs of Qom? Honestly! I will be talking to our legal department about this matter.

Harry Potter and the Zionist Conspiracy

In another brilliant example of investigative journalism, the Iranian newspaper, Kayhan, affiliated with the nation's top religious authority, discovered this week that the Harry Potter series of children's books is really a Zionist plot. The article referred to Harry Potter as a “billion-dollar Zionist project", the purpose of which was to “disrupt young minds”.
This discovery represents yet another setback for our conspiratorial efforts. Despite suggestions that J.K. Rowling (the "J" obviously standing for "Jew") being advised to avoid such titles as "Harry Potter and the Matzah Ball Soup", or "Harry Potter and the Wholesale Discount", the Iranians have once again seen through the subtext of Harry's magical world. Clearly the bearded men in long black robes are metaphors for ultra-orthodox Jews, and the secret books of magical incantations represent the Talmud and Kabbalah. Even the spells muttered by our heroes in defense against the dark arts are really transliterated Hebrew prayers which call for the advancement of the Jews over that of the "muggle" (AKA non-Jewish) world.
Consider the Wizard world - a secret dimension that exists both within and parallel to our own - why this is clearly analogous to the workings of the Elders of Zion whose hands can slip on and off the controls of power without the average "muggle" ever knowing about us. I can only hope they never discover what "Desperate Housewives" was really all about.

Frank Weltner wins Elder of the Year Award

Congratulations go to our colleague, Rabbi Frank Weltner of “www.jewwatch.com” for winning the 2007 Elder of the Year Award. As most of you know, Rabbi Weltner has been our archivist for the past twenty-five years. Accepting the award at our meeting at 221b Baker Street in London last night, Rabbi Weltner explained the source of his successful strategy.
‘The best way to hide something is in plain sight”, he said. “That’s why I have published all of the Elders’ secret archives on JewWatch.com”.
Cleverly disguising himself as a delusional lunatic, Rabbi Weltner has been able to fool the world into dismissing the content of his website as nothing more than a collection of baseless, anti-Semitic conspiracies. Stroking his long grey beard and strumming his tsitsit, he catalogues the various “Jewish Mind Control Mechanisms” that we have developed over the decades, from Communism through to Homosexuality, Feminism and Liberalism, as well as the nefarious, Jewish-formulated religions such as Christianity, Atheism and Magic/Wiccan Cults.
Rabbi Weltner is clearly an inspiration to us all, and it is a privilege to have such an astute and balanced intellect amongst our ranks. Mazeltov!