The Ham and Bacon Conspiracy

The World Cancer Research Fund in conjunction with the American Institute of Cancer Research has reported that processed meat, particularly ham and bacon, causes Cancer. Jews and Muslims have of course known this for centuries, with Muhammed stumbling across an inter-departmental memo from the Elders of Zion in the year 628. Resisting the temptation to keep the information to themselves, the Elders of Zion in conjunction with the Mullahs of Qom (See below) decided to publish the the health warning in their respective journals, namely the Torah and Quran.
'Can we help it if the non-Jewish world doesn't want to follow our example?', said Dr. Shlomo Cohen, the Elders' Chief Medical Officer. 'Over one-fifth of the world refuses to eat pig, surely the rest should have worked out that something was up?'
Although the number of conversions to either Judaism or Islam is expected to remain low, the Hindu religion however, is expecting a greater rate of conversion to vegetarianism. Pigs the world over, on the other hand, are drawing a collective sigh of relief.

The Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom

On Al-Jazeera TV on January 30, 2007, Syrian-born historian, Mahmoud Al-Sayyed Al-Dugheim, revealed that Iran has established a global Shiite Government, operating in accordance with the Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom, to annihilate the Sunnis.

Al-Dughein quotes from a secret communique:

At the command and with the guidance of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Guide of the Islamic Revolution in Iran, and under the title 'The Shi'a of Ali Are Victorious', the extended conference of the world's Shiites was held in the holy city of Qom. It was attended by the leaders of all Shiite parties and religious authorities. The conference decided that a global organization must be established to annihilate the people who are left, to examine and analyze the current regional situation, to build a military force, to infiltrate governmental institutions through the women's organizations everywhere, and then to infiltrate intelligence agencies, and to finish off the Sunni leaders, even by assassination." This is the plan of the Hashashin, which still exists. There is a fatwa by their imams and religious authorities, which permits the trading and planting of hashish, in order to profit and to cover up their crimes.

I reckon these guys are in breach of copyright. We own the title to the conspiratorial term “Protocols”! Why don’t they call them the Mutterings of the Mullahs of Qom, which rhymes better, or the Serious Suggestions of the Mullahs of Qom? Maybe even, the Musings of the Mad Mullahs of Qom? Honestly! I will be talking to our legal department about this matter.

Harry Potter and the Zionist Conspiracy

In another brilliant example of investigative journalism, the Iranian newspaper, Kayhan, affiliated with the nation's top religious authority, discovered this week that the Harry Potter series of children's books is really a Zionist plot. The article referred to Harry Potter as a “billion-dollar Zionist project", the purpose of which was to “disrupt young minds”.
This discovery represents yet another setback for our conspiratorial efforts. Despite suggestions that J.K. Rowling (the "J" obviously standing for "Jew") being advised to avoid such titles as "Harry Potter and the Matzah Ball Soup", or "Harry Potter and the Wholesale Discount", the Iranians have once again seen through the subtext of Harry's magical world. Clearly the bearded men in long black robes are metaphors for ultra-orthodox Jews, and the secret books of magical incantations represent the Talmud and Kabbalah. Even the spells muttered by our heroes in defense against the dark arts are really transliterated Hebrew prayers which call for the advancement of the Jews over that of the "muggle" (AKA non-Jewish) world.
Consider the Wizard world - a secret dimension that exists both within and parallel to our own - why this is clearly analogous to the workings of the Elders of Zion whose hands can slip on and off the controls of power without the average "muggle" ever knowing about us. I can only hope they never discover what "Desperate Housewives" was really all about.

Frank Weltner wins Elder of the Year Award

Congratulations go to our colleague, Rabbi Frank Weltner of “www.jewwatch.com” for winning the 2007 Elder of the Year Award. As most of you know, Rabbi Weltner has been our archivist for the past twenty-five years. Accepting the award at our meeting at 221b Baker Street in London last night, Rabbi Weltner explained the source of his successful strategy.
‘The best way to hide something is in plain sight”, he said. “That’s why I have published all of the Elders’ secret archives on JewWatch.com”.
Cleverly disguising himself as a delusional lunatic, Rabbi Weltner has been able to fool the world into dismissing the content of his website as nothing more than a collection of baseless, anti-Semitic conspiracies. Stroking his long grey beard and strumming his tsitsit, he catalogues the various “Jewish Mind Control Mechanisms” that we have developed over the decades, from Communism through to Homosexuality, Feminism and Liberalism, as well as the nefarious, Jewish-formulated religions such as Christianity, Atheism and Magic/Wiccan Cults.
Rabbi Weltner is clearly an inspiration to us all, and it is a privilege to have such an astute and balanced intellect amongst our ranks. Mazeltov!

Radical Green groups infiltrate Israeli Army

Members of the Committee are seriously concerned after evidence of radical Green groups and evironmentalists infiltrating the ranks of the Israeli Defence Forces. The Haaretz newspaper reported on the 09/07/07 that the IDF's 202 Paratroop Brigade raided premises in Hebron to free two endangered Golden Eagles that had been stolen from a national park. Clearly there is more than one secret society operating here and an investigation should be launched immediately.

Patenting Anti-Semitism

We have just developed the greatest intellectual property idea of the Twenty-First Century. We have decided to copyright all forms of terminology which blames Israel or the Jews. That way we will earn a dollar worth of royalties every time the statement, "It’s all Israel’s fault”, or the like appears in print or electronic format.

Variations would of course be covered, and include: “It’s all the Jews’ fault”, “It’s a Jewish conspiracy”, “It’s a Zionist conspiracy”, as well as any superlatives such as, “It’s all the dirty Jews’ fault”, “It’s all the greedy Jews’ fault”, etc., etc. Our Research Department is currently compiling a database with thousands of variations in all the major languages, including English, Spanish, Russian, German and Arabic. French, of course, appears to be taking the longest to compile.

I can’t wait to watch the money rolling in.

New Headquarters Needed

After destroying our own headquarters on September 11th, 2001, the Elders of Zion are now in need of a new, permanent office space. Paul was going to offer us his ensuit bathroom at the IMF, but now that he has resigned, it rules out that option. Jerri suggested the Baxter Building at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue in New York city, but I reminded him that it was the Head Quarters of the Fantastic Four, and two fictional organisations could not share the same office space. Of course Adam suggested the Bada Bing strip club, but once again this could generate a possible conflict with the Sopranos. After dismissing the idea of Wayne Mansion and the Fortress of Solitude, we finally settled on a new location.

I am happy to report that Wednesday night's meetings will now be held at 19:00hrs at 221b Baker Street, London, England. I must remember to tell Jerri that it's his turn to bring the soup.