If you have ever been concerned about the security of your synagogue during the high holy days, fear not. Community leaders like American Rabbi Gary Moskowitz have undertaken anti-terrorist training along with the preparation of their yearly sermons and are well prepared to fend off any foolish anti-semite or jihadi. This is one tough, pistol packing Jew who makes the right to bare arms a God given one. Shannah Tovah, Mother F*&%$#r!

IDF harvests the organs of dead Swede

A furore has broken out over Swedish journalist, Donald Bostrom’s accusation in the newspaper Aftonbladet claiming that the Israeli Defense Forces harvest organs from dead Palestinians for sale on the black market. Bostrom, however, appears to have got his facts wrong. The Israeli Defense Forces in fact harvest the organs of dead Swedes utilising every useful element except for the brain.

The real meaning of Pepsi

If the discovery of our sexually-enhanced chewing gum wasn’t enough, Muslim organisations like Hamas have now discovered the secret machinations behind our brand of soft drinks. We clearly have our work cut out for us. I'm thinking flaming gum balls that literally explode in your mouth.

Hamas discovers Zionist plot to boost Gazan Libidos

This is an unedited transcript from Al-Arabiya News Network relating to the discovery of our attempt to boost Gazan sex-drives with chewing gum.

Hamas suspects that Israeli intelligence services are supplying its Gaza Strip stronghold with chewing gum that boosts the sex drive in order to "corrupt the young," an official said on Tuesday.

"We have discovered two types of stimulants that were introduced into the Gaza Strip from Israeli border crossings," Hamas police spokesman Islam Shahwan told AFP.

"The first type is presented in the form of chewing gum and the second in the form of drops," he said.

"The intelligence services are aiming to corrupt the young generation by distributing these products among students," Hamas police spokesman Islam Shahwan.

The Islamist movement that has run the densely populated and impoverished Palestinian territory for the past two years said it has detained members of a gang that helped to bring in the products.

"They admitted during the investigation they were linked to the Zionist intelligence services," he said.

One suspect said he had received the products from an Israeli intelligence officer at a cut-rate price "with the officer saying they did not want money, but to distribute the products among the young people of Gaza," Shahwan said.

"The intelligence services are aiming to corrupt the young generation by distributing these products among students."

The story came to light after a Palestinian man filed a complaint that his daughter had experienced "dubious side effects" after chewing the offending gum, Israeli media reported.

The Israeli military declined to comment officially on the allegations, which one military source termed "absurd."

The Hidden Paw

It is important for us conspirators to stick together, hence the word "conspiracy". In recognition of this fact, I would like to draw your attention to a brand new blog site or rather clog site which documents the inner workings of the most heinous cabal through the medium of cartoons. These conspirators are, of course, teddy bears, who like the Jews have long sought to undermine the socioeconomic fabric of the civilized world. Read The Hidden Paw to expose them.

Valentines Day is a Zionist Conspiracy

According to the translation of Indonessian blogger, Patung at "www.indonessiamatters.com"- Buya Mas’oed Abidin, the chairman of the West Sumatra branch of the Indonesian Clerics’ Council complained on 12th February that the celebration of Valentine’s Day is a "capitalist-Jewish conspiracy". Hotels and resturaunts in certain districts have been forbidden from offering Valaentine's Day specials, and schools have been ordered to direct their students to mosques on 14th February to hear specially prepared sermons on modesty and abstinance.
Although Buya has failed to notice that a "Saint" of any sort is usually of a Catholic or Orthodox background, we need to focus on the impact that this might have on Jewish businesses in Western Sumatra. I am not sure how many Kosher deli's or wholesale retailers can be found in the Indonessian jungle along with the Orangutans and other creatures, but clearly their numbers are sufficient to raise fear among the Muslim leadership.
I have asked our librarian at JewWatch to find out whether St. Valentine was in fact a Member of the Tribe. From what I can tell, although we would be happy to take credit for this day of hearts and flowers, it may be one that lies entirely on the shoulders of the opposition. If this is indeed the case, I wonder if our Sumatran Tiger would be willing to change its stipes.

Secret of the Starbucks Logo

Egyptian cleric, Safwat Higazi, has discovered the secret of the Starbucks logo:

The girl in the Starbucks logo is Queen Esther. Do you know who Queen Esther was and what the crown on her head means? This is the crown of the Persian kingdom. This queen is the queen of the Jews. She is mentioned in the Torah, in the Book of Esther. The girl you see is Esther, the queen of the Jews in Persia.
Can you believe that in Mecca, Al-Madina, Cairo, Damascus, Kuwait, and all over the Islamic world there hangs the picture of beautiful Queen Esther, with a crown on her head, and we buy her products?
We want Starbucks to be shut down throughout the Arab and Islamic world. It is inconceivable that in Mecca and Al-Madina, there will be a picture of Queen Esther, the queen of the Jews.

Oh well! Like the Da Vinci Code, the Starbucks Code has at last been cracked. Well done, Sheik Higazi. Dan Brown will no doubt write a book about you.

Great Elder of Zion T-Shirt

I came across this great T-Shirt on Red Bubble . I just had to share it.

Why they will never destroy us

The adjacent photograph was taken at a recent anti-war rally in London. It now seems that the derivatives of oranges and apples are also targets of Muslim anti-Semitism.

Mumbai Terrorism and the Hindu Zionists

Pakistani security analyst, Zaid Hamid, in an effort to deflect blame away from Pakistan for their part in the Mumbai terrorist attacks has claimed in an interview on Pakistan's News One television channel that the attacks were instead carried out by both Western and "Hindu Zionists". Hamid stated:

"We have no doubt this was a joint plan by Israelis, Americans and Indians – in other words, this was a joint plan by Western Zionists and Hindu Zionists; in it Israelis are directly involved, there is involvement of Mossad. The details that are coming up – see, if you look at the images, the terrorist they are showing firing in the hotel with machine gun in his hand, he has tied in his hand a saffron band of Hindu Zionists; Muslims do not wear this type of band – their faces are like Hindus, the language in which they are speaking, this language no Pakistani uses."

So now we have a group of Hindu Zionists identified by the wearing of a saffron band (Note: not the blue and white of the Israeli flag). For all those years, India, as leader of the Non-Aligned Movement was showing support for Palestinian interests in the United Nations and now we discover that they're really a group of Jew loving Zionists. What would Herzl think? I think we need to open up an office for the Elders of Zion in New Delhi right away.

Super Rats bred to target Arabs

The Palestinian newspapers, Al-Ayyam (17/07/2008) and Al-Hayat Al-Jadida (18/07/2008), have uncovered another Israeli conspiracy to breed genetically enhanced species of super rats designed to torment Palestinians and drive them out of the Old City of Jerusalem. Al-Hayat Al-Jadida, claims:

"all efforts to counter this infestation have failed, especially since cats run away from these rats because of their size and ferocity... All of the conventional efforts to kill them have not succeeded, because they seem to be immune to poison and they breed in the sewers. It is known that this female rat gives birth seven times a year, each time giving birth to 20 babies; which compels Jerusalem's [Arabs] today to face the dangers of settlement and the infestation of rats."

The selective targeting of these rats was further exposed by Al-Ayyam who reveal how, "Large numbers of settlers have been bringing huge cages full of rats and releasing them onto the streets and alleys of the Old City in order to turn the residents' life into a living hell, forcing then to leave."

Israeli scientists have been unwilling to share their secrets on how they have bred this species of rat which are larger, more aggressive, more fertile, immune to poison, and unafraid of cats. What's more intriguing is their ability to train these animals to selectively target Jerusalem's Arab population and ignore its Jewish one.

Similar plots were of course exposed in the 1930's, with obsesive, German zoologists writing a series of papers on phenomena such as, "The Elephant and the Jewish Problem", or "Nocturnal birdlife and the challenge of Jewish ornothological control". 'The truth will out' they say, and indeed it has.

United Nations: Israel responsible for China/Burmese Crises

Our agent, Newton Hoffer, at the United Nations and Aish.com has reported back to us regarding the UN's motion relating to Israel's responsibility for the environmental catastrophes that have devistated China and Burma in recent weeks.
Allegations of Weather Manipulation involving cyclones, earthquakes and time-travel are taken very seriously at the UN, especially when they are directed against Israel.
At his own press conference shortly following, the Israeli Ambassador (who once again was not informed of any UN meeting) took exception to charges of environmental war crimes. "If the UN adopts this resolution, which by the way has absolutely nothing to do with China or Burma, every Israeli who carries an umbrella will now be viewed as an 'Obstacle to Peace'. I submit that anything Israel does on any given day, can now be defined as a 'provocation'." At that moment, the Libyan Ambassador quickly rose to second the motion, before realizing that he was at a press conference and not a formal vote.
In Washington, US President George W. Bush reaffirmed America's commitment to stand alongside Israel and veto the anti-Israel resolution. He also offered to table his own resolution where the word Junta would be spelled with an 'H' instead of a 'J' "so you don't sound like an idiot mispronouncing it until someone finally corrects you".
The UN is now seriously considering this motion as well.

New webmaster to dupe the gentiles

Congratulations to Rabbi James Stenzel for being appointed to the position of webmaster of www.jewwatch.com, one of our principal weapons of propaganda and psychological warfare on the Internet (See article from July 23, 2007). Rabbi Stenzel of course takes over from the very able Rabbi Frank Weltner who has resigned from his position to return to his wife, Devorah, and Children, Yankel and Mosheh, in the ultra-Orthodox community of Meir Shearim in Jerusalem. We wish Rabbi Weltner Mazel Tov, thank him for his contribution, and look forward to his continued support for the Zionist cause, albeit in a different capacity. Rabbi Stenzel of course has very large pants to fill, and we wish him everything he deserves for the upcoming challenge.

The Ham and Bacon Conspiracy

The World Cancer Research Fund in conjunction with the American Institute of Cancer Research has reported that processed meat, particularly ham and bacon, causes Cancer. Jews and Muslims have of course known this for centuries, with Muhammed stumbling across an inter-departmental memo from the Elders of Zion in the year 628. Resisting the temptation to keep the information to themselves, the Elders of Zion in conjunction with the Mullahs of Qom (See below) decided to publish the the health warning in their respective journals, namely the Torah and Quran.
'Can we help it if the non-Jewish world doesn't want to follow our example?', said Dr. Shlomo Cohen, the Elders' Chief Medical Officer. 'Over one-fifth of the world refuses to eat pig, surely the rest should have worked out that something was up?'
Although the number of conversions to either Judaism or Islam is expected to remain low, the Hindu religion however, is expecting a greater rate of conversion to vegetarianism. Pigs the world over, on the other hand, are drawing a collective sigh of relief.

The Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom

On Al-Jazeera TV on January 30, 2007, Syrian-born historian, Mahmoud Al-Sayyed Al-Dugheim, revealed that Iran has established a global Shiite Government, operating in accordance with the Protocols of the Mullahs of Qom, to annihilate the Sunnis.

Al-Dughein quotes from a secret communique:

At the command and with the guidance of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Guide of the Islamic Revolution in Iran, and under the title 'The Shi'a of Ali Are Victorious', the extended conference of the world's Shiites was held in the holy city of Qom. It was attended by the leaders of all Shiite parties and religious authorities. The conference decided that a global organization must be established to annihilate the people who are left, to examine and analyze the current regional situation, to build a military force, to infiltrate governmental institutions through the women's organizations everywhere, and then to infiltrate intelligence agencies, and to finish off the Sunni leaders, even by assassination." This is the plan of the Hashashin, which still exists. There is a fatwa by their imams and religious authorities, which permits the trading and planting of hashish, in order to profit and to cover up their crimes.

I reckon these guys are in breach of copyright. We own the title to the conspiratorial term “Protocols”! Why don’t they call them the Mutterings of the Mullahs of Qom, which rhymes better, or the Serious Suggestions of the Mullahs of Qom? Maybe even, the Musings of the Mad Mullahs of Qom? Honestly! I will be talking to our legal department about this matter.

Harry Potter and the Zionist Conspiracy

In another brilliant example of investigative journalism, the Iranian newspaper, Kayhan, affiliated with the nation's top religious authority, discovered this week that the Harry Potter series of children's books is really a Zionist plot. The article referred to Harry Potter as a “billion-dollar Zionist project", the purpose of which was to “disrupt young minds”.
This discovery represents yet another setback for our conspiratorial efforts. Despite suggestions that J.K. Rowling (the "J" obviously standing for "Jew") being advised to avoid such titles as "Harry Potter and the Matzah Ball Soup", or "Harry Potter and the Wholesale Discount", the Iranians have once again seen through the subtext of Harry's magical world. Clearly the bearded men in long black robes are metaphors for ultra-orthodox Jews, and the secret books of magical incantations represent the Talmud and Kabbalah. Even the spells muttered by our heroes in defense against the dark arts are really transliterated Hebrew prayers which call for the advancement of the Jews over that of the "muggle" (AKA non-Jewish) world.
Consider the Wizard world - a secret dimension that exists both within and parallel to our own - why this is clearly analogous to the workings of the Elders of Zion whose hands can slip on and off the controls of power without the average "muggle" ever knowing about us. I can only hope they never discover what "Desperate Housewives" was really all about.

Frank Weltner wins Elder of the Year Award

Congratulations go to our colleague, Rabbi Frank Weltner of “www.jewwatch.com” for winning the 2007 Elder of the Year Award. As most of you know, Rabbi Weltner has been our archivist for the past twenty-five years. Accepting the award at our meeting at 221b Baker Street in London last night, Rabbi Weltner explained the source of his successful strategy.
‘The best way to hide something is in plain sight”, he said. “That’s why I have published all of the Elders’ secret archives on JewWatch.com”.
Cleverly disguising himself as a delusional lunatic, Rabbi Weltner has been able to fool the world into dismissing the content of his website as nothing more than a collection of baseless, anti-Semitic conspiracies. Stroking his long grey beard and strumming his tsitsit, he catalogues the various “Jewish Mind Control Mechanisms” that we have developed over the decades, from Communism through to Homosexuality, Feminism and Liberalism, as well as the nefarious, Jewish-formulated religions such as Christianity, Atheism and Magic/Wiccan Cults.
Rabbi Weltner is clearly an inspiration to us all, and it is a privilege to have such an astute and balanced intellect amongst our ranks. Mazeltov!

Radical Green groups infiltrate Israeli Army

Members of the Committee are seriously concerned after evidence of radical Green groups and evironmentalists infiltrating the ranks of the Israeli Defence Forces. The Haaretz newspaper reported on the 09/07/07 that the IDF's 202 Paratroop Brigade raided premises in Hebron to free two endangered Golden Eagles that had been stolen from a national park. Clearly there is more than one secret society operating here and an investigation should be launched immediately.

Patenting Anti-Semitism

We have just developed the greatest intellectual property idea of the Twenty-First Century. We have decided to copyright all forms of terminology which blames Israel or the Jews. That way we will earn a dollar worth of royalties every time the statement, "It’s all Israel’s fault”, or the like appears in print or electronic format.

Variations would of course be covered, and include: “It’s all the Jews’ fault”, “It’s a Jewish conspiracy”, “It’s a Zionist conspiracy”, as well as any superlatives such as, “It’s all the dirty Jews’ fault”, “It’s all the greedy Jews’ fault”, etc., etc. Our Research Department is currently compiling a database with thousands of variations in all the major languages, including English, Spanish, Russian, German and Arabic. French, of course, appears to be taking the longest to compile.

I can’t wait to watch the money rolling in.

New Headquarters Needed

After destroying our own headquarters on September 11th, 2001, the Elders of Zion are now in need of a new, permanent office space. Paul was going to offer us his ensuit bathroom at the IMF, but now that he has resigned, it rules out that option. Jerri suggested the Baxter Building at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue in New York city, but I reminded him that it was the Head Quarters of the Fantastic Four, and two fictional organisations could not share the same office space. Of course Adam suggested the Bada Bing strip club, but once again this could generate a possible conflict with the Sopranos. After dismissing the idea of Wayne Mansion and the Fortress of Solitude, we finally settled on a new location.

I am happy to report that Wednesday night's meetings will now be held at 19:00hrs at 221b Baker Street, London, England. I must remember to tell Jerri that it's his turn to bring the soup.